Dear the person reading this,
I would like you to know that this not a suicide note but rather a little page of thoughts. Hopefully none of this will become offensive to anyone and I will not regret telling the entire world the information contained within this letter tomorrow.
Please, read at your own discretion and know that what you are reading is very much real and was written from the mind of a real person who is going through some very real and very sad experiences.
That is all. You may read now but I advise you to be aware of the rather mixed up thoughts and emotions poured into this piece of work.
So I sit here in the darkness of my room and wonder why I even exist in the first place. I just feel like the repetitiveness and dullness of my own life is never going to end. Sure, I did just drop out of high school recently and begin what would be the most boring use of my time: homeschooling.
Sitting in a singular room all day by myself doing monotonous work as my friends remain at regular high school. I can’t really say who’s got it worse. If I were mentally stable I wouldn’t even be writing this…I’ve been thinking a lot lately due to the loneliness and lack of socialization.
My whole mental state is in peril, my beloved great grandfather is dying and I’ve only just gotten out of depression. The only challenge now is not falling back in. Shouldn’t be too hard right? After all I have my supportive friends to help me though this time of difficultly.
Oh wait…that’s right. I haven’t told them about any of this. Therefore they cannot help me. However, I decided long ago not to tell them because I thought that they were dealing with enough of their own problems that they don’t need to hear about mine as well.
So I could just contact my friends and everyone would be okay right? Well…no. First of all, if at any point I reach out for help, or cry of show any emotion whatsoever I am dubbed a drama queen. Which in sown ways I am a little but eighteen months of grueling depression, attempting suicide and hearing that my great grandfather has less than six months to live hasn’t made it any easier.
Again, why don’t I tell my friends what’s going? Because then I would seem like I’m complaining and get told I should just get a grip. When in reality I don’t wanna face the day when my grandfather isn’t sitting in his chair waiting for me when I walk through the door of my grandmothers house. I’ve never lost anyone really close to me and nor have I been to a furneral. Nor have I experienced the stages of grief. This whole thing is new to me.
It hurts even to write this, that’s when I know I’m putting my heart into what I am writing, when it truly hurts. When I can feel my heart been torn right out my chest. That’s when I know the reader will feel the same.
For you see anonymous person reading this, I am a writer. I am kindred spirt and a person with such a beautiful pair of eyes that shine like diamonds. They’re one thing that I like about my face. But this letter is about they boy who told me so, it’s about how I’m very much in a dark place and Im unsure of how to cope with it.
Because what a lot of people don’t realize is that the antidote to depression isn’t found in the contents of a first aid kit. To cure depression you must first feel the agonizing pain of losing a loved one or finding the body of your cat in the garden. The worse thing you can do is stand still, do nothing and not even find someone to talk to.
What a lot of people don’t realize that you can’t just get better over night. For some people it takes years to truly get better. Taking your own life may seem like a sweet realize but I can assure you that it won’t fix anything.
I guess life really is like a bicycle, you gotta keep moving forward in order to stay balanced. Despite what you may believe, I do have a motivation to get up each morning and brave the day. It’s this hope that next year, after all of this has now come to pass, things will be different.
I know it sounds depressing but by Christmas my great grandfather would have sadly passed on and I would have been to the funeral but the truth is I want to laugh at that furneral. Laugh as I stand at his grave. Because that’s what he would’ve wanted. I know because I was in his arms since birth. He has loved me and I have loved him for as long as I shall live. We have this beautiful bond that cannot be broken by the parting of death. He will remain forever in my heart as I reside forever in his.
Now, I should probably mention that I have the most amazing group of friends and maybe I don’t get to see them as much as I would like but if I’ve learnt anything it’s that they still care about me. Even if they don’t know what’s going at least I know they’re there. Or at least they will be when I have to break to them the bad news.
I suppose while I’m here I could share a bit about myself. I’m currently 15 years old and reside in the most isolated capital city in the world. I am an aspiring writer, my biggest dreams are to become a famous author, travel the world and go to university
I don’t know what I’ll do when I grow up but I do know what I’m going to do tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m going to try and make the next six months the most memorable and exciting six months of my life. It’s time I started turning things around. TAFE will come eventually, someday things will turn around so why not make that day tomorrow?
You don’t have a choice if you get hurt in this world but you do have a say in who hurts you. Tomorrow, I’m going to put a smile on my grandfathers face. I’m going really make his day, every day because his days are numbered and I want to make each day count.
It’s the least I can do. After all I am his great granddaughter and one of the people in this world he loves the most.
I guess writing this has helped me feel better about everything. Even just for a little while.
Thank you for taking your time to read this and if you wish to contact me you can either send me a private message or email me at email@example.com.
"Pain demands to be felt." Peter Van Houten